Nicolette: Part 3 of Splenic Artery Aneurysm During Second Labor

*Trigger Warning* : This story contains a maternal and fetal near-miss. This is part 3 of 3.

In this episode, we continue Nicolette’s story of her experience with a splenic artery aneurysm during her second labor. Nicolette shares the challenges she faced during the delivery and the aftermath of the emergency surgery she underwent. 

Nicolette also opens up about the emotional impact the experience had on her and her family. She talks about the anxiety and fear she felt during her recovery and how she coped with the trauma.

Throughout the episode, Nicolette emphasizes the importance of advocating for oneself and the role of communication with healthcare providers in times of crisis. She encourages listeners to be proactive in their healthcare and to seek out resources and support when facing difficult medical situations.

Nicolette’s journey was not an easy one, but her strength and resilience in the face of adversity serve as an inspiration to all who hear her story.

Connect with Nicolette on Instagram here.

Transcript:

Nicolette Part 3

 [00:00:00] Welcome to the golden hour birth podcast. I am your cohost, Liz and Natalie is here with us too. And this episode, we’re back with part three of Nicolette’s birth story. Just a reminder that this episode contains discussions about a near-death experience involving childbirth. For both mom and baby. 

If you haven’t listened to episodes parts one and two of Nicolette’s birth story, definitely go back and listen to those first. This is part three. Where Nicolette talks about her postpartum experience. So we’ll jump right back into her story. After just a little recap of [00:01:00] part two, Thanks for listening

[00:02:00] 

Nicolette: coming home was weird. I remember getting out of the car and like in my neighborhood and seeing the trees was the first thing I noticed. And I was like, holy shit.

Like I could have never seen trees again. Like there are trees, trees, beautiful trees, mother nature, oh my god, amazing. And I was like, grateful, grateful, grateful. And then, you know, my limitations and the [00:03:00] breastfeeding thing wasn’t working out. It was super painful. I was starting to resent my son. I was forcing this bond because of what happened to us.

I felt like he didn’t like me and I felt like a shitty mom. And I didn’t know who I was anymore. And I completely lost myself. And I have never, ever in my life had such scary, dark thoughts about myself. And I was, I was seeing a perinatal psychologist in the hospital and I continued to see her outside of the hospital. But my one condition was that I didn’t wanna go on medication. I don’t knock medication. You need medication, you take it. That’s what works for you.

You do it. I started taking Xanax when I was in nursing school because a lot of things were happening when I was in nursing school. And I was in and out of the ED with like random abdominal pain and like feeling like I was having a heart attack, but it was a panic attack, you know, like a lot, a lot of [00:04:00] things.

Um, so I take it like here and there if my anxiety’s through the roof, but I never felt comfortable taking anything more. just me. I don’t like the way I feel on certain medications. I mean, I’m on the lowest dose of Xanax that there is possible. Um, they were trying to push really hard for me to go on meds and, you know, I had a real big loss of the sense of loss of control with everything that happened.

And this was the one thing that I could control. So I was like, I’m gonna do this the way that I wanna do it because this is my journey, not yours. Mine, I went through this, not you. So I started PT because I was due to go back to work and I couldn’t stand up straight. And I couldn’t hold my son. And I had pain [00:05:00] still real bad and I said I got scar tissue adhesions for sure. Um, my c-section incision reopened when I was home. I developed stitch abscesses along the abdominal incision. So this really kind of skinny incision that I was like, oh, I mean I guess it’s not that bad, whatever, I’ll just wear a high wasted bikini. Or maybe not cuz it’s so thin. Started to have pockets of puss and reopened.

So now it’s a like a fatter scar that’s a little more like uneven and all this stuff. Um, and I told my trauma surgeon, like, I can’t get up from a chair. It takes me a long time to stretch, like to stand up. And so he put me in PT and I started PT and, and this time I’m, it’s summer my drains had started to come out and I was like, I’m taking my kids to the pool.

I couldn’t swim. You know, [00:06:00] search had to come with me every time and I could hold Alec in the water, but I couldn’t support my own body weight. And me telling my therapist, like, yeah, we took the kids to the pool. Um, Translated to short-term disability that I had nothing wrong with me. So they were like, you can go back to work.

We’re not paying you anymore. And I’m like, oh, hold on, because I was a bystander at the pool. You think that I can go back to work? I am diagnosed with P T S D, major manic depressive episodes. I’m in physical therapy because I literally can’t, I, my core is completely gone and I’m a labor and delivery nurse.

Do you know what that entail? I don’t hold babies all day. Like I catch fainting dads. I hold moms up for epidurals. I hold legs, heavy legs to help moms push. I push, I push, uh, stretchers. I’m reaching, I’m leaning, I’m bending, I’m jumping. I’m squatting, I’m running with my patients on stretchers sometimes like I can’t even put my, I can’t bend down to put my groceries away and you think I can go back to work.

[00:07:00] So on top of all this, like birth trauma and mental anguish, I’m going through, I have to fight with short-term disability to prove that I’m injured.

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Nicolette: Like I never wanted to be a poster child for a fucking birth trauma. I would’ve much rather have an easy-peasy, uneventful vaginal delivery than to have to sit here and prove to you that I am not mentally capable to go back to work where I almost died and almost lost my son, and that I am physically not capable of returning, even if I was mentally capable, they wanted to fight with me about it.

I sent in like 270 page. my PT notes that, or like patient wants to know when she can return back to work advising not to return back to work. She can’t do this, she can’t do that. I don’t know how. And they, and they denied me and I had to appeal. And I’m like, how are you? How, how, what are you reading that’s telling you that I am capable of doing my job?

Because all the things that you’re saying that I have to be able to [00:08:00] meet in order to get short-term disability. I meet, I can’t do 80% of my job duties. I cannot make 80% of my paycheck because I cannot return to work. I have a physical, uh, a disability that’s stopping me from doing these things. So I had to fight.

And I had to fight and I had to fight and fight more and fight more and fight more. And somewhere along the way I stopped physical therapy because I had graduated. And you know, I was like, now just do the work on your own. We gave you what you need. Um, I still didn’t return back to work. Right now if you do light duty, like secretary, whatever, I’m a labor.

I’m not a secretary, I’m a labor and delivery nurse. Um, my therapist supported me not returning back to work, but to them it was like my P T S D maybe wasn’t like, like P T S D E enough because I was paying my bills and I was taking care of my children and I was cooking. Cuz it’s like, what, [00:09:00] what else am I supposed to do?

Starve my kids have them in a state so bad. If the state comes in and takes them, then you’re gonna give me, then you’re gonna say, I have P T S D. Of course you think I don’t have P T S D, I don’t live in the place that I almost died. I work there, I can’t go there. I can’t drive past there without having a visceral response. Like mental illness doesn’t look the same on everybody. You can’t just check a box like, yeah, cries not eating, sleeping all day. Like, oh yes, you have P tt, S D. My P T S D manifested in a way where my house was tiptop shape and I started organizing everything into, you know, lids and glass jars and labels and stuff like that.

My P T S D manifested in making sure that my daughter was in all of her after Activ extracurricular activities for school. My P T S D was manifesting and [00:10:00] I over bought for Christmas to make up for the horrible delivery that my son had. You know, for almost dying on my daughter. My house was like Christmas, threw up in it be.

That’s the way my mental illness was manifesting because I was trying to keep everything as normal for my child as possible, but to them it was like, take care of your kids, you can go back to work. And I just was kind of like, That’s big fat. Fuck you. I’m not doing that. Um, I did appeal and I won my appeal, but wouldn’t, they wouldn’t pay past August.

So I went from, and I got that paycheck in March, this past the beginning of March. So I hadn’t got paid since June, but thank God that my sister set up to GoFundMe and so many generous people donated because I was able to work, to not work because of that, that GoFundMe we were living off of it. Um, [00:11:00] once I stopped pt, my mental health took a, a, it took a turn for the worst because then there was nothing else.

Like I was done with pt. Like, okay, it’s time to go back to work. Like, I was kind of being pushed to go back to work and that, that push to go back was really anxiety ridden and like my, my nightmares picked up, my flashbacks picked up, and I was in a really dark place where even surge was afraid of what I was gonna do.

I never, I never felt suicidal, but I had one thought, just one time, and it was my brain telling me that my children deserve someone better than me. Someone who wasn’t sad all the time. Someone who was more fun. Someone who could take them swimming, could swim with them. [00:12:00] Someone who isn’t so angry, who isn’t physically limited and disfigured and has P T S D. My brain was telling me all these things and I said, you’re a fucking lie because I’m a great mom and how dare you say that to me?

It’s like I was having this inner dialogue and I remember one night I said to Serge, I started crying and he was like, what’s wrong? And I said, my, my brain is not being really nice to me today. And he’s like, well, what happened? I was like, well, it told me that my kids deserve better than me. That you all deserve than me.

And he was like, baby, you can’t think like that. And I said, but I’m not. My brain told me that. I’m not thinking that way. My brain told me, and I know it’s lying because I know what kind of mom I am. I love my children. I love, before all this happened, I loved being a mom. It was the single handedly [00:13:00] most greatest thing I’d ever done with my life.

And I didn’t want kids at one point in my life, you know? And, and to feel like being a mom was my greatest accomplishment to being where I was. I just was like, maybe my brain is right. I’m just not cut out for this. I couldn’t continue to breastfeed Alec. I was in too much pain. Like I can’t be alone with him.

I get frustrated. I can’t take care of him. Like I have all this like hate and anger and I’m so bitter and I, and I’m jealous and like, these are all things that I was not before this. Like, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I am. I’m not a nurse, I’m not a labor and delivery nurse. Like I’m a patient.

I am just like, I am just withering away inside of myself and everyone else is just still living their life like this. Like this never happened to me [00:14:00] and I have to act like I’m fine and acting like I was fine. Caught up with me and I told Serg, I said, I, I need to go away. And he was like, what are you talking about?

What do you mean you have to go away? And he’s thinking that I like wanna off myself, but I’m like, I just need to be away from everyone and I need to go cry and I need to go deal with what I have not dealt with. Suppressing that trauma, suppressing the fact that I almost died. Like I say like, oh, I almost died, but like, I’m really not exaggerating.

I almost. I almost lost my life. And coming to terms with something like that is really strange. And those statistics that I spit out before, it’s strange and people are showering me with your miracle, your son’s miracle. Like, I believe my son is a miracle. But to hear it from myself, it’s like I almost can’t subscribe to it [00:15:00] cuz I don’t feel like I’m such a, an amazing, I’m not a horrible person, but I don’t feel like I’m such an amazing angelic person that I would be spared death. So all this like attention, it was, it was a lot for me. And I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel that way. I didn’t feel the way that people were talking to me cuz I was like, I don’t like my son. Like how could you tell me that I’m a miracle, I’m exhausted. My son doesn’t sleep. I’m angry. Like I get angry at my son cuz he doesn’t sleep.

How could I get angry at a miracle? What kind of person am I that I’m angry that a actual miracle in my house won’t sleep? I’m not a good person, I’m not a good mom. I suck. You know all those. All those horrible, horrible things. And then of course, body image issues. Now I had cute little body and now I’m all cut up. I look like I had an autopsy done on me upside down. I have an upside down T on my body and I have a constant living reminder. My [00:16:00] son of what happened and physical reminders that I can’t get past passed. And I just wanted to d. And even though I had all of that support, I felt so alone because my brain was just playing so many tricks on me. And I fortunately, unfortunately, have a pretty good trauma base. I’m not a stranger to pain and suffering. I’ve gone through things, so I’m not starting at zero. I can understand how someone starting at zero who has never experienced something traumatic in their life would probably have thoughts of harming themselves. But one of my biggest fears in life is dying. And I almost did that. So I was not gonna kill myself. I wasn’t gonna end my life and leave my daughter motherless and leave my son motherless and have my son thinking it’s his fault the rest of his life, because it’s not, he saved my life. He saved my life [00:17:00] in more than one way.

My daughter has saved my life many nights when she has seen me drift away in my eyes. And she comes to me and she says, mama, I’m so happy that you’re my mama. You are the best mama. And she just knows that I need to hear that because I am honest with her. And I tell her, I’m like, really? And she’s like, yeah.

And I’m like, you know, cause I don’t always feel like the best mama. And I know that I’m not the same mama I was before Alec was born. So when you say that, it makes me feel really happy, but you don’t have to tell me that if you don’t mean it. And she’s like, I do mean it mama. You’re the best mama in the world.

And she hugs me and it’s just like, this is what I’m living for. And my daughter has brought me back from the brink on so many occasions. She’s such an empathetic soul and I don’t know what I did to deserve her in my life. She is amazing and she just knows what I need [00:18:00] when I need it. And I am so grateful for her if Ali was my first kid, he would be my last kid.

I would not want to go through any of this. Uh, and now I said, I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of my big feelings falling onto my daughter, and I don’t want her to have to grow up faster because of this. I want her to stay how she is, and I want her to just have her mom back. That is when I made the decision to do the hard work and to face all of that darkness that I was trying to not face. And it sucked. But little by little, it just like there was a change in Tide and it started happening around February, right before I went back to work. [00:19:00] I wasn’t gonna have a birthday party for Alec because I was like, I don’t know that I, I’m gonna be there mentally to do that. And my cousin Fran actually kind of helped me change my mind cuz she was like, at the time she texted me, she was like, oh, well, I mean I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, but you guys survived and I think that that’s worth celebrating and I would love to be there to celebrate that with you. And I’m like, shit, when I’m going through, there’s no way fucking party the day that I almost died. Like, you know, cuz it is what it is, right? Like his birthday is more than a birthday. And with that comes a duality of emotions, gratefulness and grief, anger and joy. So I’m like, I’m not gonna wanna party. [00:20:00] But I sa I sat with it a little bit. I said, if I change my mind, I’ll let you know. I sat with it a little bit and I kind of thought about Alec when he’s like 7, 8, 9, 10, 15, and people are like, happy birthday. And he’s like, my mom doesn’t celebrate my birthday. She thinks it’s a shitty day and she don’t celebrate my birthday.

And it broke my heart because I don’t ever want him to feel like. What happened to me is his fault because it did not just happen to me. It happened to him too. It happened to both of us. And we have bond because that happened with time. We have bonded. I know he likes me. I know he likes me now. I can see it.

I see it. He show, he shows me he likes me. Um, but we’re bonded in a way that like, you know, me and Mina aren’t bonded, but me and Mina are bonded in a way that me and Alec aren’t bonded. She’s my first baby. She made [00:21:00] me a mama. She made me the mother that I, that I was. So, I said, I can’t do that to him. It’s not his fault. So I started planning his birthday party and it made me happy. And I was like, I’m like, ha, I’m like, happy. That’s weird. I’m like, we’re actually happy. Like joy, what the heck is that emotion? Um, and then I had to go back to work and it was scary. And my first, first visit back to the unit after like all my doctor put at one point, I was just at the doctor like all week.

So it’s like no big deal. I never left. Right. But once I stopped going and there was all this distance, I did not wanna go anywhere near the hospital. Um, I went with my psychologist and we walked the unit. And I have never had such vivid flashbacks that like, if they could have, they would’ve ripped out of my [00:22:00] brain and started playing out in front of me.

It was, everything was happening in front of me and I was like, I don’t wanna be here. I don’t wanna be here, I don’t wanna be here. She’s like, but you’re here. You’re doing it. You are here. You are safe. You are not there. Alec is with the babysitter. He is safe. He is not in the NICU anymore. He is healthy. You are healthy, you are here. And I was like, okay, I’m not there anymore. I am safe. Like I had to keep telling myself these things. So I wanted to get back before I went for my first shift, which would’ve been in the OR. And I was like, I can’t, I just can’t. Finagle like Surge was outta the country at the time and the baby, I just couldn’t finagle it.

So I wound up going back on February 10th. Um, I was six in my stomach when I walked in, but I was met with so much support and like my [00:23:00] coworkers like crying, hugging me like, we are so happy to see you in these scrubs. You know, we’re so happy to see you in Maroon again. And it was almost like nothing had changed, you know, like the scrubs still fit so poorly cuz they are like made for men.

So they’re super unflattering and super stiff and hard. My shoes had collected dust over time. It’s been almost a year. My shoes have dust on them. So I threw those shoes out and I got new shoes. Um, but it was also like everything is the same. Like all the monitor parks are still in the same spot and the bed is still there.

And like, it almost was like, how dare you not change at all after what I went through here? Like there is not a change, like this is all the same. But then at the same time it was like, thank God nothing has changed because it’s a, it’s what I know, you know? So there was a big struggle between like that room is still [00:24:00] there and people are still giving birth in it, even though I almost died there, you know?

But then also it’s like, thank God that room is there because I get to go in there of my own accord. I haven’t been assigned the room, they haven’t assigned me the room yet. I asked if they could gimme time before assigned me to the room. But I have been in there without a patient and I have sat in the stool and it felt different than when I was with my psychologist because now I was in the front seat and I just sat and I let myself feel what I had to feel and I watched the stuff play out in front of me and I cried and I got up and I walked out and I went and I took care of my patients and I actually wasn’t my patient, but had a Sat c-section come outta that room.

And it was hard cuz I had to walk into there knowing that this. Wasn’t in the same situation at me, but what had an urgent matter that needed to be taken care of. And I was like, I’m doing it. I’m actually doing it. Like, I’m not like [00:25:00] freezing, I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing as a nurse. Like I’m doing it.

Cause I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to take care of a patient in an emergency situation cause I would, I would

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Nicolette: Um, I went back into the OR and I broke down cuz I just thought about like these were my last moments. Like these, this, this is where it was all gonna end. And I cried there and then had a patient in there that they kind of, she was feeling like not right after she got her spinal.

So like everyone kind of crowded around her and I like stepped back cuz I was like, mm-hmm like this is too much for me. Like, cuz it was just reminding me of that. But these are situations that I would never be exposed to if I had stayed home. So, as angry as I was to be forced into a situation, I wasn’t, I felt like I wasn’t ready to go into It kind of worked in a sense because there’s no way I could come ac I could work through those feelings and those situations at home.

No one’s having a c-section in my living room, you know? So, [00:26:00] um, returning to work has helped my healing exponentially and I did not think it was going to, I was so afraid. But I think why it helped is because, I reclaimed a part of my identity. I am a labor and delivery nurse again. And I never thought that I was gonna get back to doing that.

I mean, when I tell you I love delivering people’s babies, I love delivering people’s babies, whether they’re sleeping babies or they’re live babies, or they’re tiny babies, or they’re big, fat, juicy babies. I love being a part of women’s birth stories. I never wanna be a negative, a negative piece of their birth story, even if everything else was horrible.

I want them to be like, my labor and delivery nurse showed up for me. She was there for me. She is the reason why I can say that I, I am happy about my birth or [00:27:00] whatever, whatever it is. Like, I love that. I love helping my mama’s breastfeed. And I thought I was gonna be so angry when I had to do it because that was ripped from me with everything that happened.

Like I breastfed Mina for 15 months, no big deal. And like, I couldn’t do what Alex. So I was like, I breastfed already. This is my job. I help women breastfeed and I couldn’t even do it. My own son. I’m broken, but there’s something about me going back and when I delivered my first baby back, I thought I was gonna be so jealous.

Like you got the birth that, that I should have had. Because why didn’t I deserve that? I do that for you guys. Why didn’t I also deserve that? And that feeling never. And I, I was shocked. And I guess cuz I was afraid I would feel that way. I thought I was gonna feel that way, but my first delivery was just, I was like, oh my God.

I was a little emotional. I told her, I was like, oh, you know, I, it’s been 11 months since I delivered a [00:28:00] baby, so if you see me cry it’s cuz it’s so beautiful. But it’s really like, I’m probably really sad for myself right now. And I was a little bit sad, but I was so happy for them, you know, to wrap the baby up like a burrito, helping her breastfeed, like all the things.

Um, it felt great. And then I shift enough and a enough shift and I was like, this is going really well. I had a couple of bad deliveries in between somewhere that I, I had to step out because it just was too much and I stayed longer than I probably should have cuz my body was telling me all the signs, you gotta go, you gotta go. Like, I started to feel anxious, nauseous, I felt like I was gonna shit my pants. I was like, I should probably leave the room. But I didn’t. I was forcing myself to stay. And then when the baby came out and I saw what the baby looked like, I booked. I just booked and I was sobbing in another room and then I was like, I’m not there.

I am safe. Alec is home sleeping cuz I work night shift. So I’m a night owl up at night, [00:29:00] he’s sleeping home with his sister and his dad. And I’m here working. I’m not a patient, it’s over. I’m safe. My coworkers were rubbing my back like, you are safe. You are. Here it is. Okay. And I just let out the, the biggest SOB that I had done in like a really, really long time. And then I walked out and went to another delivery that wasn’t shit show. And I was like, oh God. Oh God, I can’t do this anymore. Um, and like, like a psychopath. I just keep going back to work. And it’s just, it’s been such an integral part of my healing. Something that I, four months ago would not see myself doing. So having this time in between everything where I said I wasn’t strong, I had a strength with me the whole time to get me back to this point where now I feel like I didn’t think it was gonna take a year. I thought it was gonna take a lot longer. I’m not [00:30:00] healed. I’m never gonna be healed. I’m never gonna be recovered from what happened.

I’m never gonna forget what happened. I’m never gonna be okay with my son’s birth story. I’m never going to not look at my body and be okay with it probably. But that is something that I’m working on and I am, those feelings don’t control me anymore. We walk alongside of each other, hand in hand, intertwined because I cannot feel. Grief without an intense gratefulness, I cannot feel jealousy for someone’s delivery without feeling complete gratefulness because I, I didn’t get the delivery that I deserved. I felt like I deserved, but I, I got my son and I could not have my son, and this could be a very [00:31:00] different conversation. Right now, my son could be dead, so approaching his birthday in 20 minutes, I am filled with so much love and gratefulness, but I have, I have some grief because I look back and I’m like, that day really sucked. Like I can’t go on Facebook and be like, oh my God, what a great, happy first birthday. The day you were, place my chest and I lookeded to your eyes. It was the best day of my life because I never got to look at him on his birthday, and it was not the best day of my life.

Nothing about that day was good, but to reframe and try to my son’s birthday, what did happen is that we survived [00:32:00] against.

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Nicolette: The statistics against all odds against what every doctor was saying. I was not in the hospital for months. I was out in two weeks. I was not intubated for weeks. I was intubated for hours. My son has no brain damage, no cerebral palsy, no brain injury. He’s healthy for the most part, I’m healthy. We survived and that deserves to be celebrated.

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Nicolette: And that is just me trying to reclaim another part of my life cuz now I have that part of my identity back. I’m a labor and delivery nurse again, and I am trying to reclaim my joy for motherhood again and be that mom that I was for Mina.

I’m not gonna be a hundred percent that mom for Mina. There’s a lot of things that have changed and my way of thinking has changed and I’m really about protecting my peace now, [00:33:00] um, like in a big, big way. But I feel hopeful that Alec is not gonna have a mom that is depressed and sad all the time. Like I am finding myself enjoying him more and more, which with each day that passes, we’ve got down on a schedule, we’re vibing, we hang out.

Like he’s such a cool kid. He’s just a different kid than Mina was and. I probably could have understood that had all this trauma not happened, but it happened. So it made me think that like, he just don’t like me because I suck right now. But energy and vibes too, you know, like if I’m off, he’s gonna be off too.

Like he’s feeling everything that I’m feeling. So I really had to do some reframing of my mind so that I can like, have a bond with my son and get where we are right now. If [00:34:00] you could have seen me five months ago, I don’t know that you would believe who I am right now in front of you. It’s a drastic change and I’m grateful for it because I feel like a, like that old part of me is coming back like that.

I thought I was never gonna see again and I’m happy and it’s opened me up to meeting so many people like you guys like Kayleigh, like Tela, like Kathy’s, and so many other people reaching out to me. Like I, I don’t have a big Instagram platform. I’m not some Instagram star or like whatever. Um, I’m not a blogger.

I’m not any of those things. I’m just a mom who went through something shitty and I want to raise awareness on it because I don’t have a found, there’s no foundation for splenic artery aneurysm ruptures. Like there’s an a f e foundation, there’s no foundation for what happened to me [00:35:00] because it’s so incredibly rare. The data isn’t really out there because like the trauma surgeon has said, which is really, it’s like a mind fuck to hear. Like in order to have data, you need patients that are living. So we don’t really know what’s normal after something like this happens. I, I don’t have a community like I am in the birth trauma community, but I’m kind of circling it.

I could identify what a lot of the feelings cuz trauma’s trauma, like you, you feel it in any way. You know, and, and it, all those feelings are very similar, but nobody else that went through what I went through in these groups. And I’m the only one

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Nicolette: yet. I’ve had two women who have splenic artery aneurysm ruptures during labor, reach out to me.

One on Facebook, one on Instagram. Um, one’s daughter did not, she lived, but she, [00:36:00] um, she lived to about, I think 13 or 15. And she recently passed in 2020. Um, and then another one reached out to me. She, when she had her splenic artery aneurysm rupture, she was also a labor and delivery nurse. And it happened at the hospital that she worked at.

So that was really crazy, the, the similarities. But she had it at 28 weeks.

Liz: Oh wow.

Nicolette: So her daughter did live also, but she didn’t meet criteria for cooling because of her age. And, um, but her, her daughter is alive, um, medically complex, beautiful teenager girl. And then another woman reached out to me, but she didn’t even know what was happening to her until after it happened.

And her baby, her baby passed. So I’ve had people reach out to me and other, other birth trauma people reach out to me just like, thank you for sharing your story and you know, talking to me. And I have a, [00:37:00] a couple people that I talk to and we share our experiences and our feelings and a lot of times people will be like, it’s nothing like what you went through.

And I’m like, don’t say that, please. Like, don’t ever say that to me because I’ll always say this quote, go something. I don’t know who said it, but I seen it somewhere. And I was like, yes. Someone who drowns in seven feet of water is just as dead as someone who drowns in 20 feet of water. Like, your trauma’s yours.

My trauma’s mine. And we’re just trying to get through it. Don’t compare. There’s no compare. There’s no need to. Yours is yours and mine’s mine. Cuz I, I, I never want someone to feel like invalidated or like their trauma doesn’t measure up to mine. Like, don’t say that. Don’t say that at all. I’m not here.

I’m not. I again, I, I not, I don’t wanna be a poster child for birth trauma. I just. Want people to be aware that this is something that can happen. And there’s risk factors. I didn’t have any of them. I had no signs, I had no symptoms. [00:38:00] But these are sign, you know, this is signs and symptoms of what can happen.

Like you can feel like, from what I’ve read, cuz I’ve read probably every single case study that was ever written on it, you can feel like a, almost like a flow, like you’re tired, your body’s achy, maybe get a little pain. When you eat, you feel full. Um, that’s you having the aneurysm and then you can rupture without realizing that you’re rupturing.

So you’re kind of like in and outta consciousness all day. And that’s obviously, you know, baby’s not gonna live because you’re bleeding out. Okay. Um, or you can

Natalie: this like a, sorry, I didn’t mean to cut you off there. Is this like a pregnancy complication or like can this happen without even being pregnant?

Nicolette: It’s actually most common in women over 50 go figure. And complications are things like high blood pressure, vascular disease, obesity, and then [00:39:00] I mean, if you go on the Mayo Clinic, I don’t even think pregnancy’s listed, but pregnancy is a potential complication. Not really sure why. Um, They say possibly causal hormones and relaxing and your joints and your muscles and your soft tissue relax so it can cause the aneurysm.

I read one article in the sixties that made me think like, that kind of makes a lot of sense. Your belly gets bigger, your uterus is pushing up against your organs and your splenic artery. That coming down to your spleen kind of twists from the growth of your uterus creates a torsion. Like what happens if you do this to a balloon?

You know, it pops out. I’m like that. Maybe that’s what happened. Maybe when my belly was growing, it just, my splenic artery just twisted. But I’ll never know. I’ll never know why I nev I’ll never know how, why, why I lived, why my son lived. I don’t need to know [00:40:00] why we’re alive. I don’t need it to make sense anymore.

I’m beyond that. I’m just like, we’re gonna move on

Liz: never know.

Nicolette: with it and we’re not gonna sit in the what ifs anymore because they didn’t happen. And those what ifs are will eat you alive.

Natalie: Yeah.

Liz: Yeah. Well, tomorrow’s a big day for you.

Nicolette: And it’s a big

Liz: Yeah. Yeah.

Nicolette: We

Liz: I’m sure we have

Nicolette: sir, and I are going to give blood. I had, and it’s very what, from what I’ve heard from like a f e survivors, I got 14 units of blood, but people get. 120 something units of blood. Like I had 14. To me that was a lot cuz I’ve never had blood before. Um, but it’s because of people that donate blood that I am still here.

So in an effort, again, to change the narrative around Alex’s birthdays and I are going to give back and we’re going to donate [00:41:00] what was given to me. So I have my blood types a negative and surge is rare, B negative. So we’re gonna, we’re gonna go do that and then we’re just gonna spend the day. Thank you.

We’re just gonna spend the day loving on him and getting ready for his party on Sunday.

Liz: Oh.

Nicolette: Yeah,

Natalie: Give him extra love for me. And I, I just hope that you’re, and I’m sorry, I just hope like that your kiddos just like, fill your cup and fill your love and, and search. I’m, yeah. I, I’m just wishing you guys the,

Nicolette: they do, I can’t even speak to the type of man that searches. He, he went through it too. And even though he is not out here speaking about his experience, most dads don’t, they suffer in silence, [00:42:00] unfortunately.

Natalie: yeah.

Nicolette: he has literal. Picked me up off my feet. He has been there for me every step of the way. The way that this man loves me is I could never ask for a better person in my life. He has literally taken care of me and loved me at my absolute worst. And I will never be able to thank him enough for being there for me, despite everything that has happened to me and all the horrible things I may have said, or how I acted, or the incredibly scary things that I thought, he just believed that I was gonna do it.

I was gonna come out of it. He just believed and he just kept loving on me until he saw it happen. And he’s a beautiful soul, and I’m so happy. He is the father of my children.[00:43:00] 

Natalie: Yeah. Yeah. I’m so happy that you guys have each other and you guys found each other.

Nicolette: Me too. I don’t, I don’t know that birth trauma can tear our relationship apart, and, and it brought us closer together, so I’m forever grateful to him.

Liz: It’s amazing.

Nicolette: When I say like, I love him, I mean like, I love him so much. I like so much. I wanna rip his skin off. I love him so much.

Liz: Wow.

Natalie: We’re dedicating this to Alec and Surge.

Nicolette: Thank you so much. Yeah. Hmm. It’s been a year.

Liz: Yeah.

Nicolette: It has been a wild, wild year.

Liz: Yeah. We’ll, we’ll have to have you back on even like a week from now. Like I’m sure we’re gonna have follow up [00:44:00] questions anyways, but I wanna hear how it goes.

Nicolette: much. I’m sorry. And I would love to be back on and answer your questions. Absolutely. 100% anytime. As long as I’m not working, plus I’m not working. Um,

Natalie: I’m sending you guys like just love and strength and good wishes for this, this weekend. Um, yeah.

Nicolette: you so much. I appreciate that.

Natalie: Yeah.

Nicolette: Yeah. It’s gonna be, it’s gonna, it’s gonna be good because the 26th was the day that I got to meet him. So we’re having his party on the 26th the day that I got to meet him. And he’s gonna be surrounded by all of my coworkers, family, friends. You’re coming from New York and we are just going to celebrate his life.

And then I had someone say, don’t forget that you’re celebrating yours too. So,

Liz: very true.

Nicolette: second birthday.

Liz: person. Yeah. Seriously. [00:45:00] Wow. Thank you so much for sharing.

Nicolette: Thank you for letting me share. Thank you. And again, like I said, you got quiet. I probably got answers and I, I would love to answer those questions. This was a lot to get through. And just thank you for letting me share my story and trying to get the word out there that this is a complication that can happen and I’m just here trying, trying to spread the word.

Natalie: Yeah.

Liz: Mm-hmm.

Natalie: Um, so we’ll go ahead and link your, um, Instagram to the show notes, and that way, you know, people can read your story. Um, and then, you know, if, if there’s any like resources that you have, you can send that over and we’ll make sure that we put that on there as well.

Nicolette: Okay. Thank you guys so much. I am so happy that we got to do this.

Natalie: Thank you. Thank you for doing it the night before too. I know that’s, I can’t even imagine how [00:46:00] raw your emotions are right now,

Nicolette: Thought it was gonna be a lot worse than, uh, than it was. So I’m, I’m happy I was able to keep it together.

Natalie: You did amazing.

Liz: did great.

Nicolette: much. I love you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank. I’ve been like drowning in your guys’ podcast. Like I just finished listening to, um, I forgot her name, but she went to check and she got pregnant and she came back and

Liz: Oh, yeah,

Nicolette: I just like, I’ve just been listening you cuz like by the time I started following you guys, you have like all these podcasts.

So I just like, when I’m driving to work, when I’m driving to the supermarket, I just listened to people’s stories and I mean, some of them are just so crazy, you

Natalie: Yeah, yeah,

Nicolette: some of them are so great. So, and then I listen to some of them and I’m like, they shouldn’t have done that. They should have did this and like, da da.

Cause

Liz: the nurse.

Nicolette: nurse and I get so angry sometimes when I’m listening I’m like, oh my God, I’m gonna strangle those providers.

Natalie: yeah.

Liz: Yeah.[00:47:00] 

Nicolette: All right guys. I can’t wait to listen to it. It’s gonna be a two-parter, isn’t it? It was pretty long.

Liz: Maybe three.

Nicolette: Maybe three. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

Liz: No, it’s, it’s great.

Nicolette: Thank you. I appreciate it. Um, I’m getting a tattoo on Saturday. I want, I wanted to do it on Friday, but I’m giving blood so I can’t do it. Um, but I’m getting Survivor. I’m writing Survivor with Alex’s birthday on my arm, so I can’t wait to do that too.

Natalie: Oh, that’s beautiful.

Liz: Yeah.

Natalie: I will need to see some pics on it. The.

Liz: sure.

Nicolette: 100%. All right guys. I hope you have a great night. Again, thank you so much for letting me share.

Liz: Yeah. Thank

Natalie: a great night and a great weekend.

Nicolette: Thanks, you too.

Liz: you.

Nicolette: Bye.